Eat at Ralph’s

     The Description: “Pizza! Burgers!  Ralph Loves a   snack!  But not too much or he'll ‘toss’ it back.  Tacos!  Hot dogs!  All kinds of stuff!  Can you tell when he's had enough?”  

     What the hell kind of description is that for a game? Eat at Ralph’s was a game which I never really understood. I mean, Ralph’s was the name of the restaurant, yet the players seemed more to be feeding Ralph than eating at Ralph’s. Shouldn’t the game have been called “Hey, feed this fat fuck?”

Thin Ice

     The Description: Instead of ice, there is a thin piece of white tissue paper (a.k.a. toilet paper) is stretched. Players take large “Eskimo tweezers,” and one at a time use them to place a marble on the "ice". Eventually the weight of the marbles breaks the "ice" dumping them all down into the lower tray. The player who hasn't broken through the ice three times wins.    

     The Point: With no real ice and no real fun, Thin Ice looked about as engaging as an afternoon spent clipping toenails. And Eskimo tweezers? What the fuck are Eskimo tweezers? Are they used to remove unsightly Eskimos? If they’re used to pluck hair from Eskimos, that’s kinda pointless...I’d think Esmimos would want as much body hair as possible to try to stay warm.

     Also, if you look at the box, they have cartoon kids playing the game. This is because the manufacturers couldn’t get any of the child models they hired to look like they were having fun

Pizza Party

     The Description: Pizza Party is kind of like Memory, with the players trying to match pizza ingredients with slices on the community pizza.

     The Point: Sorry to spoil the surprise, but there is no real pizza with this game. In fact, it’s as far from a party as you can get. If someone has ever said to you, “Hey, want to come to our sex party?” and then there was just awkward hugging and crying, then you know the disappointment of being invited to a pizza party with no actual pizza.

     The box raises questions: the creators seem to have given the pizza toppings genders for some reason. Who decided that a pepper is female and an onion male? Is it because peppers are hot and onions smelly?

     Also, the pepperoni (who is  thankfully male) seems to have something going on with the mushroom. They almost look like they’re sharing a dirty secret that is

going to lead to sex, while the onion and the pepper dance, blissfully unaware. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the idea of my pizza toppings mating, unless it’s a piece of ham and a

Mr. Bucket

     The Description: Mr. Bucket is a game where children have to use shovels to get all their balls into Mr. Bucket the fastest. But apparently Mr. Bucket doesn’t want the balls, because he will spit them right on out. Just writing that description makes me want to take a shower.

     The Point: The point of Mr. Bucket is to lure unsuspecting children into basements...wait, my bad. The point of Mr. Bucket is to play the game without giggling. Seriously though, the lyrics are absolutely disturbing:       

The Verdict: This game is great for kids who want to have lasting sexual issues and thousands of dollars wasted in psychiatric hospitals.

Don’t Wake Daddy

     The Description: Don’t Wake Daddy is a game in which children must try to sneak into the kitchen for a snack without waking Daddy. The only chance to stop him if you step on a loud object like your cat’s tail or the leg of the sleeping prostitute Daddy hired is to  hit the snooze button.

     The Point: The point of the game is to teach children the danger of enraging parents who have anger control and abuse issues. It also educates children on how to 

But take a look at the picture of the terrified child to the right: this is not the face of a young boy afraid of getting a time-out; this is the face of a child who fears getting chained in the basement and beaten by a metal rod.

     In fact, after performing a thorough back-round check of this so-called “Daddy,” I discovered that he is actually Walkter Discovski,

 an escaped con who did six years at the Texas State Penitentiary. While the children in the game are, in fact, his, their mother, Mrs. Rita Discovski, has not been seen in two years. Discovski claims she “left home,” but I have other ideas.

     The Verdict: Perhaps instead of playing this game and helping the little Discovski’s sneak into the kitchen for a snack, players should take a more helpful approach and call their local child service agencies and helping to find a new home for these