I’m losing my hair.

   I knew it was coming--my dad’s been thin up top since I was born and my brother is starting to fade--but I still hoped that somehow I’d maintain a thick crop on top until the day I died of a tragic club sandwich injury.

     I believed the urban legend about inheriting the same hair as your mother’s dad; my maternal grandfather had a full head of hair until the day he died. Of course, he was also a diabetic, alcoholic, and rotten guy. I don’t want to be like him in all those ways...because, honestly, who wants to be a diabetic? 

   Anyway, since hair disappears so slowly, I’ve been hoping that I’ve been imagining the slow regression of my shining locks up top. “It was a trick of the light,” I told myself. I also told myself that girls love chest hair and no one cares that I’m short.

   Then the other day a woman I work with said, point blank, that I was developing “driveways” up top which, she assured me, would soon turn into “cul-de-sacs.” After stabbing her with a steak knife, I felt I needed a second opinion.

   I went to my lady friend for reassurance. “Lady Friend,” I began, “Do you think my hair is starting to fade?”

   Lady Friend’s eyes flicked to my temples, she smiled, and she said, “A little...but I still like you!”

   When I pulled the steak knife out of her, I realized she was probably right.

   It sucks. I’m sure lots of guys (and some poor, poor women) go through these same fears and worries, obsessing over their hair day and night. But seriously, I’m twenty freakin’ four! It’s too early to be counting hairs on my pillow. I should be lending my extra hair to cancer-patients and birds for their nests. Instead, I’m already contemplating which parts of my body have the same color and texture hair as my head for a transplant (I’ve narrowed it down to thighs, back, and chode).

   I want to know how much time I have left. How many years (or, gasp, months!) do I have where I can strategically comb my hair to appear normal. I want to know if there will be an actual solution to hair loss by the time I’m completely bald. I want to know if girls really don’t care about a guy whose bald on top, or if that’s just something they say to (unsuccessfully) avoid being stabbed.

   I’d love to hear your input. Send your thoughts to webmaster@oneeggshy.com and I’ll post them on here.