The Meaning of Valentine’s Gifts

The Gift

  What it Means to the Guy

What it means to the Girl

Chocolates

She’s Sweet!

Does he seriously want me to get fat? Because if that's what he wants, that's what he'll get.

A Teddy Bear

Here's a snuggly, wuggly bear for my honey!

Great. Now I have to share the bed with two furry animals. At least this one won't snore.

Roses

She'll know how seriously I love her.

He didn't even cut off the thorns? Now there're two ways for him to give me a little prick.

Dance Lessons

It'll be nice to do something she likes for a change. Plus, we don't get to see each other enough.

If he's trying to prove to me, once and for all, that he's really not gay, he may want to rethink this gift.

A Vibrator

I'm inadequate in bed.

He's inadequate in bed, but at least now I'll be able to have one of those "orgasm" things everyone keeps raving about.

An Original Poem

I know it's a little cheesy, but she really draws out my romantic side.

How does this poem suck? Let me count the ways: The iambic pentameter is all messed up. It's unstressed, stressed, unstressed, not stressed, unstressed unstressed. Oh, and hug and love do NOT rhyme. Don't quit your fucking day job, Lord Tennyson.

An Engagement Ring

This diamond represents our love: beautiful and eternal.

Yes! I've officially given my last blow job!

A Star Named After Her

Now every time we gaze into the night sky, we'll be reminded of our undying commitment to each other.

So I’m not that bright, I’m distant, and I take forever to finally get to you? I'm glad that's how he thinks of me. Here: I've named the couch after him. Sleep on it.